im holly from the hills drunk
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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