when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
