I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
