Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
