I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
