I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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