I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize