sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
