you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
