Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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