a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
