threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
