Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
