At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
accomplished twins. life is a go
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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