I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
