I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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