My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
