update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
