I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
