I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
