I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Randomize
