so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
