It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
