but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
im holly from the hills drunk
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
