we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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