So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Randomize
