I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
