I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
There r osticjed everywhere
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
