i was born a porn star she said
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
