So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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