Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
