you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
