and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
