I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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