Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
