I could have mohawked her pubes.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
