Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
