i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
i've created a new STD.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
