My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
