He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
lets start a swedish sibling band together
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
