So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
