What a fucking waste of an outfit
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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