the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
