Have you finally orgasmed yet?
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
