I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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