If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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