I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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