and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
