it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
