I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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