I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
OPIZZABONMYDICK
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
