I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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