I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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