she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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