why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
