I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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