i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
