OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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