I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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