She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
