hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
