I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
she smelled like a LAN party
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Randomize
