I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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