A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
