Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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