Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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