$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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