Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
